"Ladybird" and self-reflection

Many people have heard of the Greta Gerwig-directed film Ladybird. I have come to love this film. Underneath its critical and popular success, I think that there is a story that many of us (especially those who are first gen) can relate to.

*Light spoiler warning*

Ladybird is a film about a Sacramento native high school student who grows up resenting where she is from and her “small-town” background. While she is not technically first gen, there are many parallels and the family struggles financially. Ladybird, the main character, desires for nothing more than to leave and settle on the East Coast where she perceives culture to be. She is unappreciative generally. On the other hand, her mother likes to hold their financial situation over her head. The father is a big softie. After moving to New York for college, Ladybird realizes her nostalgia and appreciation of where she is from.

I relate to this film on many levels. I wanted to be out of Michigan for so long. I feel immense nostalgia for it now that I am gone. I can honestly say that I have had some of the same arguments with my mother that she had with hers. Anger, guilt, class-passing, and nostalgia are salient themes in the film.

Another interesting parallel is that the place she so desperately wanted to get out of is sort of where I ended up! The film itself has stirred up a lot of nostalgia for me and appreciation of both where I am from and the Sacramento area. I highly recommend the film as a casual watch and as content for this course.

A big part of the film is financial pressure. Ladybird wants to attend a university out of state. The first scene in the film results in an argument between Ladybird and her mother over the cost of attending college out of state. Despite Ladybird trying to make her aware of financial aid and scholarship opportunities, her mother won’t budge. Though the mother does not explain herself, I can’t help thinking that she was trying to prevent her daughter from bearing the burden of student debt.

In the end of the film, not much is resolved. I could say the same for myself. While my career trajectory is ostensibly set, the path forward is not. It’s funny to watch to the film, identify with the main character so much, and simultaneously dislike her. She is unappreciative, misguided, and phony. And yet, I completely understand her.

Defeating imposter syndrome with female empowerment

No matter what your identity is, every person has at some point felt the overwhelming sense that they don't belong. Whether that be at a social event, the classroom, a professional setting, or even in their own home, imposter syndrome affects us all. 

But what is imposter syndrome? Imposter syndrome is the psychological experience of feeling like a phony, like you do not deserve to be where you are because you are not qualified. Despite this, those that struggle with imposter syndrome...

do not look ill at ease or uncomfortable. They appear very self confident but really it's just a mask they wear. And they are absolutely sincere in being unable to accept praise. It has nothing to do with false modesty. They are perfectionists who need to perform flawlessly and equate making a mistake with shame and humiliation. They often feel very guilty about the credit they receive for their achievements. 

This quote is from In Her Own Words (October 1985). 

Specifically in graduate students, imposter syndrome has shown to be extremely debilitating. 

In 2020, the Division of Cancer Epidemiology & Genetics conducted a systematic review of 62 studies which evaluated the prevalence of imposter syndrome. Showing prevalence rates as high as 56% to 82% in graduate students, college students, nurses, medical students, and other professions. Symptoms can include distress, anxiety, depression, burnout, exhaustion, avoidance of high-level tasks, rigid thinking, and dismissal of positive feedback.

National Cancer Institute, Division of Cancer Epidemiology & Genetics (2023).

I know for myself imposter syndrome is something I struggle with daily. It is one of the main reasons I am so eager to graduate law school––to get out of this setting that triggers feelings of inadequacy.

Constant exposure to environments where I am made to feel like I am not good enough has become exhausting for me. The mental gymnastics I go through to prove to myself that I am good enough is a routine that I am hoping comes to an end when I finally have a law degree. 

However pervasive imposter syndrome may be in the law school setting, I am even more concerned about it in the work force. This past semester I have been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to extern at a public defender's office in the felony intake department. Unfortunately, I have found this experience to be one that has had a detrimental effect on my self-confidence. The reason? Working exclusively with male attorneys.

 

After this semester, I feel as though I have a gaping hole in my self-worth that I will have to fill before I begin my post bar position. What troubles me more is that other female interns (who are also women of color) have had the same experience in this office, which is a stark contrast to the male interns that seem to be content with their intern experience. 

Everyday after work I would have to remind myself that I have spent well over half of my law school career in public defender offices. I know the ins and outs of how a PD office works and I know I have the capability to learn how to do my job right and go above and beyond if given the opportunity.

The main takeaway from this intern experience for me has been that as an attorney, I will make it my mission to pay it forward and empower female interns around me. Without the mentorship of female attorneys, I would not be zealously pursuing public defense work like I am today. Female mentors have taught me how to write, research, and speak in court. I owe them everything. 

I suppose it was unlucky that I got to know what NOT to do as an attorney working with interns, on such a personal level.

My opinion is not an unpopular one. Mentorship has been shown to be a valuable development resource for women. Dr. Candace Steele Flippin, a scholar and researcher who focuses on women in the workforce, conducted a study in 2017 titled Gen X Women and Career Advancement. This study found that women who lack mentorship experiences have careers associated with unfavorable outcomes such as restricted careers and diminished job performance. 

Comparatively women who did have mentorship experiences reported to have skills in career planning, leadership, and self efficacy. Fifty-three percent of females in the study reported that their most helpful mentor was female.

As evidenced by the study, women need women to look up to and support each other. In a male dominated career field, I know for a fact that without the female attorneys that guided me, I would not have faith in my own ability to be a successful public defender. I am able to have some sense of self assurance because of those who came before me––those who have shown me that I can do it, too.