My trailblazer toll

"Are you the first in your family to go to college?"

I fielded this question from an associate at a law firm I was interviewing with after I explained how I wanted to make my family proud by becoming a lawyer and also so I could help provide a financially stable future for them. I previously researched the background of the attorney I was meeting with, familiarized myself with all of the prior work the firm completed, and wrote down answers to potential questions I was expecting to be asked during the interview. However, I was not prepared to answer to such a personal question.

I answered no; both my mother and father hold bachelor's degrees. I assumed (maybe naively) that even though I was a second-generation student, I could not relate to any experience that a first-generation student may have. 

It was not until I began reading Alejandra Campoverdi's First Gen: A Memoir that I became aware of what a "First and Only" was. She defines Firsts and Only as those who are the first generation or only person in a family, community, or social demographic group to cross a threshold. Although I was familiar with the term first-generation to refer to students who were the first in their family to graduate college, I was unaware of the broader definition of the term until I arrived in law school.

According to Campoverdi, there are common dynamics associated with being a First and Only: experiencing imposter syndrome, becoming a parentified child, or navigating multiple cultures. However, when I read Campoverdi's description of what is commonly known as "breakaway guilt," I could not ignore my experiences any longer.

Breakaway guilt is known as the collection of negative feelings associated with the decision to pursue higher education while feeling remorseful for "leaving the family behind." Common feelings include deep regret about prioritizing academics over familial duties or shame about pursuing upward mobility.

One common experience associated with breakaway guilt is a student receiving conflicting messages from their family: one to remain at home, but the other to achieve status in the outside world. I experienced this tension when leaving my hometown to attend college in a different state. 

My family was excited for me to broaden my horizons, gain new perspectives, and go create a successful name for myself. Although both of my parents attended college, I would be the first in my family to attend what is considered an elite academic institution. 

But on the other hand, I provided a lot of emotional support for my family members at home. Because I am the oldest daughter in my family, I was expected to be a role model for my younger brother, be a listening ear for my mother, and help mediate any family conflicts or tensions. By leaving home to attend college, those familial duties that typically fell to me went unassigned. 

Like many other students experiencing breakaway guilt, I constantly felt conflicted. I knew that the best way to honor my family's sacrifices to help get me into college was to always give 100% effort and remain focused on doing my absolute best. But on the flip side, I felt guilty I was not at home to provide tangible and emotional support to my loved ones. Although they reassured me they would function just as smoothly without me present, I could never stop the little voice in my head saying I was selfish for prioritizing myself.

Although we may assign mostly negative sentiments to breakaway guilt, Campoverdi encourages us to not "wish those feelings away" because they can be a source of strength. Those feelings remind us of our roots, our familial ties, and where we came from. 

As I move through my law school experiences, I will hold onto the advice from Campoverdi. I never want to forget or wash over all of the moments that made me who I am. I am proud of my background. I am proud of being a First and Only. And I am proud of the perspective I bring to all of the spaces I enter into. 

And at the end of the day, I hope you can tap into that pride as well.