A hopeful note to self

 Dear 1L Michaela,

Welcome to your grad school journey. I’m proud of you for making it this far, I know you’ve been through a lot, and as I know people have been telling you, grad school is a test at every turn. But you’re more than ready, you have everything you need. So why am I writing to you? Well, the world is in a place that keeps saying that we need “You”— the “royal” “you.” Like we need every single person to show up with all the heart and care possible right now as we hopefully try to navigate toward futures of healing. So you’ve known this for a while, but it’s going to take a lot of organizing. I wanted to give you some encouragement as you start, some guidance as you go. As you know a lot can change in a short period of time, and I figure it may be good to have a few head’s up. I’ll try to minimize the spoilers..!

Stay on your path. You’ve chosen an unconventional one. People will have questions, they’ll have doubts, they’ll be surprised or disheartening, they’ll be encouraging and challenging. You can hear the advice, you should listen to the people who know and care for you, but ultimately, the decisions are yours. I don’t mean to put pressure on you by saying that, I know how much decisions have been a source of confusion or anxiety for you in the past. Take a breath. Staying in the in-between, in the potentiating space of “well, what else? What if?” has been a source of strength and experience for you too. Lean into that! Remember when you came up with the word “fundeclared” in undergrad? Take heart from that— it’s okay to let it all unfold! You will have to make decisions, and some of them will be hard of course, but keep listening for your yes in each step. So far so good.

 

You’ll do what needs to be done. The phrase “We are the ones we have been waiting for” has been attributed to Black feminist elders and ancestors Alice Walker and June Jordan (your favorite, I know!), and you get the opportunity to live it in this chapter. There will come moments when the language of “justice” isn’t enough, when diversity/ equity/ inclusion or even decolonization are perceived of as just thought experiments to the people around you, and you will often need to be the one to speak out in the contrary, to make these ideals actionable. Embrace it. You’ll host workshops and reading groups, you’ll organize group studies and lead lectures. You’ll know when it’s time, because you’ll feel a gap in the room, this small space in time when that whisper in your head that is saying “this could all be different, this could all feel so much better” wants and needs to be voiced. Trust that sense, you can help build new things from it.

You won’t do it alone. I know that starting off in the physical isolation that COVID-19 has brought is difficult to navigate. But you will find your people, and then you’ll find them again and again and again. You’ll choose relationships and community and spaces that keep you nurtured and whole, that you’ll want for the rest of your life. You’ll grow together through this, stay open to the lessons. Seek out the training and experiences from your peers, from your community that can open your mind to the various strategies and perspectives that keep movements vibrant and thriving. The mentors you find and choose will see your potential and fan its flames. You’ll be so incredibly grateful. Like Audre Lorde said, “without community, there is no liberation.” Keep telling each of them how much you love them on purpose. 

Do it joyfully. Listen, I’m not saying that you have to have a fake optimism about all the things that you and your fam and this world will go through, not at all, I’d never ask you to fake an emotion. But, bb, like Mariame Kaba says, “hope is a discipline,” and part of making that constant practice work is cherishing each and every small joy to sustain you. Water your plants like you could nurture the whole planet with this act. Laugh with your friends even when your heart is in the depths of grief. Bask in sunshine with your besties. Dance in the department store with your crush, let them push you around in a shopping cart. Play music, sing, say yes to experiencing the things you long toward. Keep the emergency brownie mix on deck and bring it to your beloveds too.

Stay soft. In the systems that seek to harden you, in the work that feels so insurmountable, nurture your tenderness, keep your compassion, believe in the loving ethic that maintains the beauty in life. Take care of yourself, of your body and mind in the kindest ways you can.

I know you were expecting more concrete action items from this letter, Mx. Capricorn-Sun Virgo-Rising. But the reality of organizing in this time is that you have to be open to it in exactly the way you are needed (and like I said, we are all needed). So you can start small, my love, because as you know by now, you have to start somewhere. 

You got this.

With care,

Michaela