Mental boom

"Where did we go wrong?" 

The haunting question no child wants to hear from their parents. Guilt and shame washes over as I think, what is wrong with me? I grew up in a similar environment as any other Asian American, and yet everyone else seems to have turned out fine. I'm envious of people who don't have that little voice in their head constantly speaking, creating scenarios, bringing up anxiety.

Will I abandon my family, or will they abandon me first?

The method which Korean American parents tend to raise their children is called ga-jung-kyo-yuk. The emphasis is on family, "ga-jung" meaning family and "kyo-yuk" meaning education. Respect your elders was one of the rules, and breaking any rule meant corporal punishment, typically getting hit on the calves or raising my arms above my head for a prolonged time. Sometimes they even threatened to kick me out of the house, although I believe they actually would not. My parents never forgot to remind me that they had it worse when they grew up, and that I should be thankful for receiving less severe punishments. 

My parents, along with many other Korean parents, expressed their warmth indirectly. Their sacrifices should have been enough to show how much they love me. I often got into arguments with my father because I would act coldly to him. It was always the same response, "wait till you get your own son and you'll understand exactly how I feel", "how do you not understand the love I'm showing you." To this day it's hard for me to understand.

Whenever I talk with my parents, they always bring up how nice it would be for me to go back to Texas after graduating. Work while living with my parents so I won't have to worry about the financial costs of living alone and away from them. Pointing out how my sister lives near them, and because of that they're able to take care of her baby. I simply laugh and respond with "sure, sure," not letting them know how suffocated I feel by the idea.

Maybe I should see mental health services or a therapist while I'm away from home. Discussing mental health concerns is considered taboo in many Asian cultures and as a result Asian Americans tend to dismiss, deny or neglect their symptoms. Countless times I thought, I don't have the right to feel this way; so many people have had it worse than me; I'm simply overreacting and need to get over it; don't burden my parents any more than I already have. Seeking professional help results in parents asking, "where did we go wrong?" 

Regardless of who is to blame, seeking mental health help should not be frowned upon. Instead, it should be encouraged, for the person's bravery in acknowledging something may be wrong, and for actively stepping forward to do something about it. If my sister's child ever has the need to seek help, I'll remind her to instead ask, "how can we help?"