First-gen guilt: the emotional toll I carry

The Guilt of Missing Out 

Breaking barriers often requires leaving a self behind and reinventing yourself in an attempt to fit into where you're going. Not only does this create a divided self -- who you are at home versus who you are at school -- it may require that you no longer fill the role of your old self at home. This might leave a gap in the family, creating tension in your own relationships back home. This takes a toll on the student. 

I am often made to feel guilty for experiences that I never could have imagined: traveling out of the country, skiing, learning to golf. However, what I wish my family could understand is the guilt that I feel over being away from them and not being able to care of them in the way that I used to do as an adult. I feel like a bad daughter, and a bad sister -- like I'm missing the biggest parts of my little sister growing up. Like I have left them behind because I do not know how to bring them with me. 

While I am still low income, I often wonder how I could live like this -- going to fancy parties and golfing -- when my family is struggling at home. In addition to imposter syndrome, this guilt often manifests in working hard and not taking enough breaks, in not taking care of myself. I work as hard as I do and neglect my own wellbeing to make sure that leaving them behind was not for nothing. I know that even if I did go to law school back in Los Angeles, near them, I would still struggle to be a good sister, daughter, or granddaughter to them anyways. 

 The Need to Prove Yourself

"If I don't do it, no one else will." 

I have lived by this mantra for as long as I can remember. If I didn't ask about the SAT, no one was going to come help me. My parents wouldn't have reminded me. If I didn't ask about college application fee waivers, no one else would ask for me. I have been on my own since before I was even a legal adult, and I lived by the idea that if something needed to get done, it was on me to do it. It was on me to make sure that bills were paid, that I had food to eat, and that the house was clean. 

It came as no surprise to me that it was on me and only me to get myself to college, and then through college, and then a job and then to law school. This independence was financial, emotional and literal. My family has not always been the most supportive, and they told me that if I wanted to go to college, I was on my own -- even if it was what they wanted from me too.

From that day on, I was determined to do everything on my own. This included being headstrong in my independence, turning down help from others, and never using my extenuating circumstances as an excuse to fall short. I carried this independence and responsibility with me to law school, and I found myself over-preparing for class because if I couldn't answer the questions or raise my hand, no one else would. I did not want to let down my professors. 

I began to feel pressure that if I didn't raise my hand when no one else would, I would have let the class down. I explained this to my mentor that I had to prepare for class in case no one else wanted to participate, and she identified that this is my first-gen guilt, which includes a need and desire to prove myself to everyone around me, including my family, and take on the responsibility when I am uncomfortable or afraid of others falling short. 

I recognized this same guilt in Campoverdi's First Gen: A Memoir in Chapter 1. Campoverdi's resolve on her first day of work at the White house that, from that day forward, she must be the first and best reminded me of this feeling of responsibility and guilt that comes with the possibility of letting others down. 

The Shame and Isolation 

There's a guilt that comes with taking up space. The need to apologize for asking questions and for making appointments when we need a little more help than the others. There's also a shame in admitting that you need that help. This guilt and shame often isolates me from my peers. At the same time, I also feel isolated from my family and ashamed for getting on with a life so separate and distinct from theirs. 

It's an uncomfortable position to be in, to feel guilt for being away from my family, but to feel guilt for taking up space in our new world. First-gen students are not well-equipped to handle this guilt. How can students grapple with the guilt associated with each of the lives they are living, each of the worlds they are straddling?