To live, or not to live with our parents, that is the question
Living at home with your parents as an adult has traditionally been seen as a failure in American society. People who did so were often deemed lazy, incapable of being independent, and moochers. Living on your own signifies independence, freedom, and success.
On the other hand, growing up in an immigrant household I was taught the exact opposite. Family is the most important thing in life, and this means living with family or—at the very least—nearby them to provide care. Additionally, living at home is preferred because it saves money. Why pay rent to a random stranger when you can pay rent to your own parents, either with money or by helping them out? In theory, this is a “win-win”.
An ongoing dilemma I have, however, is one I am sure many other young adults have: Are the monetary savings of living with my parents worth the non-monetary costs? Fortunately, I am lucky to have grown up in a loving household, and my parents would welcome me back to live with them. So I should want to live with them right? Yet, there is a part of me that does not want to go back. It is not that I do not miss being around my parents, but more so I do not particularly enjoy the heightened familial obligations, stunted personal growth, and lack of independence that comes with being under the same roof.
When I am home, I am expected to help the family. This means taking on running errands for my mom or folding laundry for my entire family. Honestly, this is not too bad, but pairing this with not being able to stay out late with friends or constantly updating my parents on what I am doing or where I am going whenever I leave the house is hard. It is especially hard to return to this lifestyle when I have had a taste of freedom while living on my own in college and law school.
Additionally, returning home also means returning to my past self. The old me was the family therapist who resolved conflicts amongst family members and who had to seek parental approval before doing anything. I would be returning to the room filled with my childhood stuffed animals. This is the room with a bed where my feet hang off the mattress if I move a couple inches deeper under the covers. This is the room missing a door since my brother and I broke it when playing at least 15 years ago. My room at home represents the old version of me who felt lost and unsure of herself. Going back after all the growth and independence I have gained while away feels like a regression and losing the progress I have made.
The flip side to maintaining my independence and freedom is the exorbitant costs of living on my own. According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, one in three U.S. adults between 18 years old and 34 years old live in their parents' home. The Harris Poll for Bloomberg reported that more than 60% of Gen-Zers and millennials moved back home in the past two years due to financial challenges.
Even if I do not move back in with my parents, my familial and work obligations will require me to live in the Bay Area. This means I will pay rent in the Bay Area, one of the most expensive places to live. What's worse is not only would living on my own be unaffordable but there are additional hidden costs of feeling guilty and selfish for not staying with my family when I am so close by.
Throughout college and now in law school, I looked for work to be close to my parents. Previously, there was no doubt that I would live at home to save money because there was a tangible end date for when I would move out and live on my own again. More recently though, thinking about my post-graduation plans that feel more long-term, I am seeing the situation differently. I am lucky to be able to talk to friends my age with varying living situations to help me determine what I may want to do myself.
I wish I could say I have figured out my plans, but unfortunately, that remains to be clear. I am glad that I understand the cost of independence and that freedom is more than money before I make any decisions though. In the meantime, I will embrace this period of my life where I have the opportunity to explore my options and be grateful that I am lucky that my family is there to support me by providing a place for me to stay in the first place.
Labels: confused, family, growth, immigrants, mental health, place, Pressure, trade-offs
posted by nay @ April 07, 2025
7 Comments
7 Comments:
I really appreciate the thoughtfulness you are putting toward this conflict, Nay. It’s okay not to have everything figured out yet—this period of exploration is valuable in itself. You’re doing such a great job balancing both practical and emotional factors, which is absolutely the best you can be doing in this moment. Ultimately, there’s no perfect solution--it’s about finding what works best for you. Whether you decide to move back home or live independently, both paths come with trade-offs but also opportunities for growth. The fact that you're reflecting so deeply on this decision means you're already ahead of the curve in making a thoughtful choice!
I recently had this conversation with my roommate and fellow classmate, who is also an immigrant. We discussed how immigrant culture tends to support children staying at home beyond high school graduation (or becoming an “adult”) than American children. While I agree that first-gen students especially should not feel burdened to stay home, I also believe that there’s no shame in living at home (especially during this housing market). My mother lived at home until she got married to my father! Do what works best for you.
Thank you for sharing this. As someone who also grew up in an immigrant household, I deeply relate to the tension between cultural expectations of staying close to family and the desire for personal growth and independence. It is comforting to know I am not alone in feeling both grateful to have a home to return to and conflicted about what that return might mean for the person I have become.
The only unsolicited advice I can offer is to truly listen to yourself. That might mean your gut, your heart, or whatever part of you feels most grounded. When I spent my 2L summer living at home, I appreciated the time with my family, but I also felt sad. I missed my independence, my sense of adulthood, and the ability to move through life without constantly walking on eggshells around my parents' emotions.
That said, my experience is not the same as yours. Take the time to reflect on what feels right for you and trust yourself to make the best decision. You will only be a good future attorney once you learn how to advocate for yourself first.
Your post is honestly something I've been thinking about recently. Watching my parents get older, it's a hard reality I have to face but life goes on and I want to be ready for what comes when they can't be on their own. I recently was fortunate enough to come across a copy of the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande which I haven't read yet but it talks about the horrors of end of life care, nursing homes etc. Maybe after reading this book I might have a different outlook but it's hard because first gen students have to balance our self fufillment and being there for family. Thank you for sharing your findings, it's something to consider especially with my other siblings because in the end, one of us might have to stay and take care of them and I want for us to make a more informed decision.
Thank you for your honest and relatable reflection. Being Latino, I deeply resonate with your feelings of gratitude and obligation. My parents are also reaching their golden years and that reality brings up scary--but necessary--questions regarding how my sibling and I will care for them.
As their only son, I am certainly a prime candidate to take on this honor and burden. However, if I may offer my own unsolicited input, I believe my duties lie with them and stops at their property. By this, I mean that I would be happy to care for them, but not without conditions. While its incredibly hard to put down boundaries with your parents, it is important and necessary aspect of developing a healthy relationship with them.
If I were in your position, I would talk to your parents in the hopes of setting reasonable expectations about your new place in their household; or even, one day, their place in your Houshold. Either way, it's important that respect be a two-way streak.
Thank you for your post. I deeply related to your perspective of feeling like you're losing the progress you made when you go back to your childhood bedroom. During the Covid-19 pandemic, I was one of those who had really no other option but to move back home when schools shut down. I was actually in class when we got the email that all classes would be taking place virtually until further notice. When I knew that I would have to move back home, I was really worried that being back in my childhood bedroom because I had just gotten through a mental health episode and was worried about falling back into that. To try and foster a new attitude though, I took the time to completely redecorate my room. I moved all of my furniture and took out all of the stuff from my childhood. Doing this made it feel less like my childhood bedroom and more like a time for renewal. It was still difficult though having to go back to doing all of the familial commitments that I did not have to do when I was at college.
I really appreciated your honesty in this post. I’m currently living with my parents too while they’re in Sacramento for my dad’s job. It has definitely been an adjustment, mostly on the emotional side. I feel really lucky to have a supportive family, but it’s hard sometimes to balance that gratitude with the reality that living at home can make you slip back into old patterns occasionally. One thing that has helped me is setting aside personal time — whether it’s just spending time alone in my room or going out to do an activity — to check in with myself and hold onto my independence. It’s not perfect, but it helps. I think it’s totally okay to love being home and still want space to keep growing into who we’re meant to be. I also love being home because I have an eight-year-old sister, and getting to watch her grow up has been rewarding in itself. At the end of the day, I think it’s about weighing the costs and benefits, and recognizing that choosing to stay doesn’t mean giving up your growth.
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