Ending The Cycle

It is undeniable to me that “First and Onlys” are pillars of the communities that sustain our world. As children, we naturally evolve into problem solvers, driven by necessity and insecurity. We struggle every day to preserve the smiles of our families, rooting us forward with their excitement. We learn to navigate uncharted territories intentionally in order to break generational curses that have plagued our ancestors. We litter the world with our culture and identities so that people know we exist. But most importantly, we are not selfish. We transform barriers into stepping stones for those who follow us, and we do it out of love. We work hard not just to end our personal struggles but to elevate our loved ones. 

In Alejandra Campoverdi's latest chapter, La Trenza, she reiterates the importance of “First and Onlys” taking the time to address repressed emotions that have lingered in our minds since our childhoods. She also calls on other “First and Onlys” to reflect on our successes and genuine feelings of fulfillment. Campoverdi emphasizes that being a “First and Onlys” often compels individuals to suppress their vulnerabilities in order to embody strength. To me, this is understandable. After all, who has time to address their feelings when everything is burning around you, and people need you to be strong? 

However, as our readings and speakers have consistently highlighted throughout this semester, repression can inadvertently distance us further from feeling genuine fulfillment with our successes. I believe when indirect repression arises, sometimes it takes others to remind us of our efforts. I have spent the past few days reflecting deeply on my own journey. This self-awareness campaign has allowed me to recognize that the efforts I have invested in for years have yielded outcomes surpassing anything my younger self could have ever imagined—I had just not taken the time to notice them.

Since the age of fourteen, I have had an active role in the upbringing of my younger brother, Angello. Although I was a child myself, it was my job to shield him and his childhood from the aftereffects of our parent’s divorce. Our leftover family fought every day to make sure he was encapsulated in endless love and security. And, as he grew up, we wanted him to be well-equipped to enter the professional world. My family worked hard every day to make sure he had the right tools to chase his dreams. Turns out, we did something right!

A few days ago, Angello told me that he had decided to accept UC Davis’s admission offer to join the incoming Class of 2029. To me, this was an amazing milestone not only for him but for our whole family. Although I’m the first in our family to go to college, I did so by attending community college for two years and then transferring to earn my undergrad degree. 

Don’t get me wrong—I wanted to go straight to a four-year institution, but I chose the community college route for two reasons. First, there was the obvious issue of affordability. Like many other “first and onlys,”  the reality of being from a lower social-economic background can make dreams like going to college feel impossible. Second, I felt that my family was too unstable for me to leave home; I provided emotional and financial support to my mother and brothers, and the guilt of leaving them behind to pursue my own dreams was heartbreaking. So, I stayed, and I have no regrets!

In that same conversation, Angello told me that the university had provided him with scholarships that would cover the entire cost of attendance. I slowly realized that this financial aid meant he would not need to be burdened by loans or work tirelessly to cover his college expenses, just as I did. Unlike me, he will not have to juggle a demanding full-time job just to afford college. Any job he does take will be by choice, not necessity. Likewise, his kind-hearted soul can go to college knowing our family is emotionally fortified.

In the last few years, our family has worked on improving ourselves by addressing trauma, and I think it has only made us stronger as a collective unit. For “first and onlys” like me, the only real successes that bring me genuine fulfillment are the “successes” that further my loved ones. By viewing myself as a member of a collective unit, it’s a reminder of how far we’ve come.

Hearing my brother’s excitement about going to college helped ease the uncertainty I had carried for thirteen years about whether we had truly done what was best for him over the years. I’m proud that he has earned his seat at the table of higher education. 

For several “first and onlys,” our families––for good or bad––are powerful forces. Several of my fellow blogging colleagues have written heartfelt essays describing the complexity of their relationship with their families. For example, my colleague AKJ, in their post “Defining and appreciating my ‘village,’” defined family members as their “anchors.” In contrast, my colleagues Jenna and M highlight the emotional complexity of their parentified role in their family. All of these experiences with our families are valid. Being the emotional anchor of a family while trying to build a future for yourself is exhausting—but it’s also a powerful testament to love.

In witnessing my brother take his next big step in life, I have come to understand that the sacrifices we make as “First and Onlys” are investments in a future we help create. Our efforts echo loudly beyond ourselves. We clear paths alone and trailblaze spaces, hoping someone we love will eventually join us.