Sick of Second Chances

In the excerpt from chapter 17 in the memoir “Educated,” we saw the protagonist make a distasteful comment about the Holocaust because she had never learned or known about it. This caused the people around her to have a very negative reaction to her.  

This interaction begs the question: How much grace should we give to people who make ignorant comments as a result of how they were raised or because of a genuine lack of information?

Growth 

The knee jerk reaction of many people is to say that we have to give people grace. It is unfair to punish people for the things that they do not know, especially while they are teenagers or young adults. 

There is this idea that if we are too hard on people, then we do not give them the opportunity to grow and change. This idea that people should not be punished or crucified for a moment of ignorance or stupidity. That we must be willing to give people second chances for their mistakes. 

While I do understand this perspective, I am not sure if I fully agree with it.

For Context 

Because of the schools that I attended, I have been subjected to racist jokes and racial slurs since the age of five. In Kindergarten I had two young white girls try to have me pretend to be their “slave.” I heard the “n” word weekly from non-Black students. Sometimes the slur was even used directly toward me along with other derogatory remarks questioning my Blackness. 

Furthermore, there were countless jokes about my appearance, my skin tone, and my hair. People would often make jokes about my family being “thugs” or  make claims that my dad had to have been a drug dealer. Students would question my intelligence and undermine my accomplishments due to my race. 

These things happened consistently until I was 18 years old. 

My View

By no means am I saying that people should be perpetually punished for every single mistake that they made in their youth. 

I get it. No one is perfect at those ages, and we all have said or done things that we regret. However, I forgave many of these people only for them to continue the same behavior as we got older. 

I have never fully understood why I was expected to always be the bigger person. Why I was the one who had to continuously extend grace while being berated for something that I could not help. 

I also understand that the people making these comments were “just kids.” But so was I. 

Hearing those types of comments regularly during some of my most formative years had implications on my mental health and self perception that have taken years to reverse. I hated myself for many years of my life, as I was convinced that the treatment I received at school was because there was something wrong with me. 

Some of these students have grown and even apologized to me for the things that they said and did. And while I do appreciate those apologies, I feel absolutely no obligation to forgive any of them. 

I encourage their character development and even celebrate it. However, I have no interest in being used as a stepping stone to their growth. It is wonderful that they learned that what they did was wrong, but this acknowledgement of their wrongdoing did not erase the negative impact that it had on me mentally. A singular apology does not and cannot ever make up for years of ignorance and racism. 

I do not harbor resentment nor wish ill on the individuals who have apologized to me. However, I will never be guilt-tripped into believing that I must forgive and forget what they did simply because they decided to become anti-racist after years of treating me terribly simply for being Black.

The ignorance that many people were taught in their childhoods is not their fault, but it is not mine either. So I will not force myself to “give grace” or be the bigger person when people perpetuate discriminatory ideas, nor should I be expected to. 

Conclusion

I do agree that we must give people room to grow and change. However, I do not believe that the burden of extending grace and forgiveness should fall on the individuals or group harmed by the actions of that person. 

Forgiveness should not be an expectation of individuals harmed by bigotry, regardless of if the intent was malicious or not. Some people may forgive them and want to give them a second chance. Others may want absolutely nothing to do with someone after they make a bigoted comment out of ignorance. Both reactions are valid and acceptable. 

We should not police how people choose to react to any form of discrimination. 

When we have these conversations about giving people grace, I do think it is very easy to unintentionally dismiss the frustrations of those who were harmed in the process. 

It is essential that we find a balance in handling these situations and understand the complexities that come with making certain mistakes.