The Worst Morning Routine
One of my most vivid memories of 1L year happened on the very first day of the introduction week. I woke up at 7am and started getting ready for the day when a debilitating wave of nausea hit me. The intensity made me resort to laying on the bathroom floor and I spent the majority of that morning trying to keep from throwing up. That was my first bout of anxiety that was followed by over a year of severe anxiety symptoms that affected every corner of my life.
In that year I had come to feel terrified of going to sleep because I knew that in the morning my routine would not go without gut wrenching nausea that made me fall to my bathroom floor. It was a daily ritual for me. At this time, not only was I dealing with internal physical manifestations of anxiety but it also affected my day to day interactions with people. I was awkward, I didn't know how much of myself I could share with other people. It was like a consistent dark cloud hovering above me.
What contributed to this was also the nature of law school classrooms. I remember sitting there in contracts class getting my very first cold call and having my ind go completely blank. The only thing I could focus on was the pounding of my heart in my ears. I embarrassingly stuttered out "I'm sorry I have anxiety" to my professor who so graciously moved on from me. I wish I could say the anxiety was only bad in class and I was able to find some solace among the student body, but I didn't. Consistent talk of whose outline looks like what, who was doing which hypo, and who stayed the longest at the library, made me feel constantly unworthy. My anxiety exhausted me. I had no energy after hours of doctrinal classes. I couldn't do a reading let alone spend hours scrutinizing legal text. I wasn't like my peers. I wasn't committed because I was just trying to make it though the day, and it showed. My 1L fall grades devastated me. I came into law school after an undergraduate career of recognized academic success and here I was drowning in a sea of overachievers like myself, only smarter.
That spring my anxiety took a turn for the worse. I had essentially isolated myself from all friends I had made at law school and I was emotionally burdening those around me/ It caused a huge strain on my relationships with my roommates and family. That summer I sought out a psychiatrist and started Zoloft. I know anxiety medication is not for everyone but I swear it made me myself again. To this day I struggle with bouts of anxiety but thankfully medication was able to help me. What I want to point out is that the environment in law school gave me the type of anxiety that made it hard to wake up everyday, and I am not alone in that. The big question is, what do we do about it?
This past year, Bloomberg law found that over 75 percent of law students reported increased anxiety and 50 percent reported increased depression. When looking at the demographics of respondents, it was clear the marginalized students were more prone to mental health struggles. When broken down by gender, 26 percent of female and 38 percent of non binary reported their well being worsened compared to 22 percent of men. In terms of race, 33 percent of Black students reported worsened well being compared to 24 percent of white students. Among the symptoms of worsened well being were disrupted sleep, increased alcohol usage, thoughts of self harm, and issues in personal relationships.
Specifically in the context of first generation college students, there is a higher risk for anxiety symptoms. When parents of first generation students were asked if their child worries about school, parents with fewer years of schooling reported their child worried more about school. This could mean that parents are modeling anxiety about school.
I know a large part of the solution to issues like anxiety are classes like this one. Environments where marginalized students can freely talk about their obstacles in elite academic institutions. I wish I had all the answers but even I am still trying to find my footing despite almost being through with law school.
Labels: anxiety, Belonging, law school, mental health
posted by Anjali Mistry @ September 15, 2023
4 Comments
4 Comments:
Another strange thing about law school that has contributed to my own anxiety here is that the goalpost is constantly moving and every year has a new anxiety. 1L, everyone is worried about grades. Then, OCI. Then, summer housing arrangements, etc. 2L. Now, it's the bar. Sometimes I dread whether this pattern will just continue well after law school.
Suffering one’s first bouts of anxiety can feel so scary and isolating, so I really appreciate you sharing with such openness. It is astounding that we are taught to succeed in a competitive environment without nurturing what taking care of and sustaining ourselves looks like trying to achieve those goals. I felt lucky starting law school during a year with only virtual courses (fall 2020) because I believe it reduced some of the anxiety I could have felt in 1L, but coming back to campus, I certainly have been hit with similar waves you describe. In theory, we should be building a sustainable practice for ourselves if those of us who want to be lawyers want to be good and healthy ones. But the lack of supports present and the increase of pressures can create barriers to that.
I appreciate you being comfortable enough to tell your story about your anxiety. As a 1L, I felt constantly under pressure, whether it was worrying about grades or having the “perfect” summer job. As I reflected on my first year, I realized I needed to become better at developing a healthier outlook. Although I have always had a “glass half empty” perspective, I realized it is more important to recognize how much we have accomplished. I mean it was only a few years ago we dreamed about going to law school and look at us now.
I think a lot of anxiety comes from fear of the unknown. The less you know, the more anxiety you may have about a particular thing. If the outcome is uncertain, it can be anxiety inducing. What is comforting, however, it the fact that eventually, the law will not seem so foreign to us first-gen students, as we become experts in our fields, we will gain confidence in are abilities and anxiety will hopefully dissipate
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