Celebrate nothing

I was sort of taught to never celebrate my accomplishments. It was never an explicit teaching, but somewhere in my childhood, I was taught not to celebrate myself. I was told that it could be like bragging or showing off. For some reason, I have always been concerned with this attitude about what other people thought of me or how I presented myself. But there was also another side to it. There was always another thing to achieve or that I needed to sustain that success. For example, when I would get an A in class, my parents would ask why I didn't get an A in all my classes.

I mentioned this story in class a couple weeks back. It is about when I got my first acceptance to a law school. It was about a week after Thanksgiving, and I was a couple hours into my work day. We did not have that many clients scheduled for the morning, so I took that opportunity to do some prep work at my desk. A couple minutes later, I got an email from Santa Clara University stating that I've been accepted to their J.D. program. I spent about another 10 minutes re-reading the later. I felt like I made a mistake reading it or just some mistake in general because I did it. I made it to law school, after working towards it for the past several years. I quickly told my co-workers and my supervisors (they were the ones who wrote me my letters of recommendation) and they expressed congratulations and excitement for me. 

When I told my parents, their first response was to ask whether I had heard from the UCs yet. That kind of brought me down to Earth a little bit. It served as a reminder that I should not get too excited about my accomplishments. 

There has always been a certain expectation of academic excellence within my family and even community. Amy Chua reached national attention when she published her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, coining the phrase "tiger mother". In her article, What is Tiger Parenting?, Marisa Lascala defines a tiger parent as someone who sets extremely high academic goals for their child and drive their child relentlessly to achieve. One of the things that stood out to me in this article is she noted that "once each goal is reached, another is immediately set, so there is no break from the parent's demands." That single line really summarized how I felt with my grades and getting into law school. It was not enough that I got an A in a class or that I got into a law school. There was always something more to strive for.

That's kind of a habit I maintained throughout law school. I never really celebrated my accomplishments or even recognized that I had any accomplishments. In retrospect, I wish I had celebrated a bit more. Law school is difficult enough, both mentally and emotionally. I think we need to find the bright spots in this journey as often as we can to help get through the challenging and low points. 

In retrospect, getting into law school was a pretty major accomplishment for me. It was a big decision that I made on my own and I was the one who got me to law school. Of course, I had help along the way, but for the most part, I did all the heavy lifting to get myself there. I went to college because everyone else went and other parents would just tell my parents what to do and how to do it.

Law school was different because I did not really know anyone else who wanted to go to law school. I had to figure that out on my own. There was no support or someone I can turn to for help. I did my own research. Law school was not something I had to do. It was something I set my sights on without any outside influence. In fact, my parents felt that I should have become a teacher because they saw it as a less stressful profession. But I did it anyways. For the first time in my life, I had a goal that I set out for myself. It kind of felt like my first big decision of my life. When it came to college, it was not really a question of if I was going to go. It was where I was going to go. 

When it came to picking a  college to apply to, I did not really know what I was doing. I was just doing what my friends were doing, what my parents told me to do, and what I was told to do by teachers and administrators. I was doing all of this because I was supposed to, not because I strove to do so. That is why I kind of regret, not celebrating getting into law school a little more. I resent the expectation not to celebrate cause it seems like bragging or that I always compare myself to others who I may see have achieved a bit more than me, so they are more deserving of celebration.